The "Leave Me Alone Sweater"

My in laws came to visit us in the beginning of January. In fact, my MIL is still here, and will be here until the beginning of February. We took them to the artisan market the first Saturday they were here. I wore Mila in the Boba wrap. There were lots of looks and awes at this little wonder sleeping, wrapped up nice and cozy. Several ladies made comments and asked how old she was. 9 days. 9 days old and already out on her first shopping trip.  These ladies explained to me that the maternity leave custom here in Ecuador is not to leave the house with baby for the first 30 days. In fact, mom doesn't get out of bed for 30 days! Wow.

Maternity leave. I don't know if that *really* exists when you are a missionary.  
There is always things to do, people who come and need to be hosted, and life in general. 

Two weeks into my maternity leave and I feel exhausted. But that could just be the lack of sleep talking. And all the emotional heaviness of the recently events in our lives.


Several people have asked how I've been doing lately. Here has been my response:

I saw this on Facebook the other day. It's called the "Leave Me Alone Sweater".
I wanna wear this for a week. (Although breastfeeding might prove difficult...)
With no one in my house to talk to me, nothing to do, no reason to get out of bed (except for hygiene reasons) all while binge watching all the episodes of Downton Abby. 
I just want some rest. Maybe the Ecuadorians have it right.

Then, yesterday something was revealed to me.
At church we did something a little different than normal. We started out with the sermon and then went into a time of meditation; blankets were laid out on the floor, candles lit around the walls, and music playing on the speaker. We read a passage, sang a song, got on our knees to pray, meditating on the scripture and song. We did this three times. Each time we were to move deeper and deeper into God's word. 

The first time I cried for AJ. Thanking God for the blessing of this past year and praying over his future. Many tears were shed and they continue to as I write. 

The second time my heart overflowed with words of praise and glory for our God. Thanks for our God who is always good, for our God who watches over us, blesses us, grieves with us, holds us, raises us. 

The third time a realization hit me and quiet frankly I don't know why it took so stinking long. By this time Justin, who was leading us in this time of worship, had said the word "descanso" or "rest" about 20 times; Lean into the rest of God, find rest in God, go deeper into the rest of God. 

What I've been needing is God's rest. 
Yes, physical rest is important. In fact, it is super important after giving birth for you body's recovery. And important in general. God rested after creation, He commanded His people to rest on the Sabbath, and there are many examples of Jesus resting in the New Testament. Resting... relaxing, taking a break, recharging, slowing down, etc. is not a something to do only when you find time, it is a requirement for health.  And while most days I nap because of my physical exhaustion, I realize what I really need is rest for my soul. 

Because of childhood trama, I have learned to compartmentalize really well. So the events of the past several weeks: Mila being born,  AJ leaving us, my in-laws coming (which isn't a bad thing but for it to happen right at the time of AJ leaving left us heavy hearted for them in addition to us), any and all other worries have just gone into nicely packed boxes in my mind. And quiet frankly, I haven't had time to process much because of all the physical demands and tasks to be done for the arrival of my in-laws (like packing all of AJ's stuff up) and preparing & furnishing a rent house for a couple coming to volunteer for us for the HOHCA for the next 10 weeks. So while mentally I wasn't dealing with the issues, my soul has been heavy with the burdens of my heart. 

So yesterday during our third and last meditation/prayer, I gave out a little chuckle. I don't need the anti-social sweater dress. I don't need everyone to just leave me alone, because then how am I supposed to go to the bathroom, take a shower, or nap when there is no one to hold Mila for me?! What I need is my powerful, loving God to cry out to, listen to me and to be my refuge. Reading through Psalms was a perfect answer. Who better to lament and rejoice with than David?

And my favorite one...

Makes me think of the song, "Trading my Sorrows" which part of the lyrics read:

I'm pressed but not crushed

Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
And I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
That His joy is going to be my strength

Though my sorrows may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

I'm trading my sorrows
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord

Joy is here, wake up
Joy is here, wake up
Joy is here, wake up

Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord
Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord
Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord
Amen

So I will rest. 

I will take naps during the day and take it easy for the sake of my body.

And my soul will rest knowing that my LORD shelters me, protects me, and takes my burdens for me. 

Now all I need is a hammock on the beach.